Spirituality, Liturgy and the Tao of Inner Peace
*This post is somewhat of a departure from my usual spiritual encouragement — this is part of the “Lotus Flower in Bloom” – some insight into the Author — and maybe it helps you blossom as well*
Many of us worry about being not enough, this is not an issue for me, I am always enough. The truth is my Achilles heel is that I am too much. Yes ma’am it’s not the absence of love, affection, emotional feelings, it’s quite the opposite — I am too much. I have been told I am too fabulous, I feel more than anyone they know, I am the ice cream headache you get after diving into a Sunday afternoon treat. It has not bode well for me through the years, I am intense. If I am a color in the box of crayons of life I am scarlet red. A life with me is akin to staring straight into the sun, at first it’s bright and warm but soon you must turn away for fear of burning your very own eye balls.
Since I was very little I was a ball of fire, at five I informed my parents that I would now be making all my own decisions from hence forth. I wore exactly what I wanted through grade school much to the chagrin of my mother. The pinnacle of that individuality was in the fifth grade when I paraded downstairs in a Coca-Cola shirt (hey they were popular at the time), pearls and a very nice set of full colored globe earrings, on picture day may I add she never let me forget it. I was never “in-style” but I was passionate about what I wore, no matter the oddity. I was fiercely independent, emotional and charismatic. I remember my parents just looking at me at times like who is this person we have created? My father is pretty laid back my mother is outspoken for sure, but not emotional. I was an alien landed in their home and they had no operating manual.
In high school I was just as driven. I was smart, top of the class, and devoutly religious. I once made a boy in the band turn off “Hotel California” on the bus because I believed it to be satanic…. okay, so I was a little misguided. I started dates by laying down the rules of behavior which would not include me being intimate at any time, I did not drink, I did not party, I did not watch cartoons! I was serious about grades, music, and of course my church. I took my bible to school… I sometimes cringe at this part of my life, but I will say my passionate beliefs kept me out of trouble.
When I went to college determined to be a great musician my professor said I was trying too hard…I thought that was ridiculous but it was not the first or last time I would be subjected to that criticism. It is very difficult for me to just be chill, to let it go, to ride the wave. I must press forward – I am much more Winston Churchill much less Dali Lama, and when it comes to relationships I am no better. If I don’t like you – I really don’t like you, and if I do….It’s ON! I am 110% in, I over text, I call, I send pictures, I want to spend all my extra time with you…I am a total mess. I go from cool, educated, talented Cameron to complete loser…. I am trying to change – I really am! I have been told in so many words to dole out the sunshine of Cameron in smaller slower doses so that my admirers might not be blinded by my light.
See the thing is I want to be pursued – but that means I have to stop pursuing. I want to be taken care of, but that means letting someone take care of me. I have to not be me in order to get what I want, at least that’s how it feels. I have tried to be what the average man would desire, I have tried to fain the need for help and be aloof but it recently occurred to me… I AM not that girl. I am fire and rain, I am songs sung at the top of my lungs I am the over texter, I am the passion of a thousand rays of light. Truly it’s not for everyone and maybe it’s for no one, but damn it I have to be me. I am full of love and laughter, tears and pain. I will love you with a passion you have never known, I will buy you gifts and make you dinners with just the right plated gourmet food, and stay up late to write you a song. I will hug and kiss you thousands of times and never tire of making love. Yes I am Cameron and I am too much, but I must believe in a planet of 7.125 billion people there must be someone looking for more.
Didn’t Sting say it best in “She’s Too Good for Me” …. “I could distort myself to be the perfect man [woman] She [He] might prefer me as I am!”
So here is to accepting our faults, doing our best to change and staying true to ourselves at the same time.
Cameron “Too Much”