Trying to Bloom amongst the Mud
One of the reasons I named my blog as I did is because the Lotus flower is so beautiful yet it blooms out of the mud, today’s story is more about being in the mud.
As I look up from my desk, at my home office, I see a piece of paper with words from Jeremiah “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Well it sure doesn’t seem that way these days, licking my emotional wounds from another relationship gone sour. Once again being forgiving and understanding for someone that wouldn’t or couldn’t return the gesture. No it’s no ones fault, as my ex-father-in-law says “it either works or it doesn’t,” and I guess he’s right, in a sense, it really doesn’t matter why. Oh and spare me all of your cliché and trite sayings, in 42 years I have heard them all! ”It comes when you’re not looking,” “Love yourself!” “ Just work on you, honey” “God has a good man for you,” “Don’t try so hard,” “When you’re happy with yourself he will come”. Usually said by, while well meaning, married people. Usually happily married 20+ years, but at least 12 or so, I think “How do you know?” Don’t get me wrong, none of what they are saying is incorrect or ill meaning, it just becomes very cliché when you are living in the second half of life, wondering where all the time went and why it never seems to happen for you. Another of my favorites is “You don’t need a man,” well no, no, I don’t need one I am perfectly capable of surviving on my own, and yes I have great friends and family. I just want one. Yes, before you well meaning people speak up, I know that is part of the issue, in some bizarre twist of cruelty if I DIDN’T he would come. I love my girlfriends, and my platonic boy-friends, but there is something special and different in a romantic relationship. The snuggling, the sweetness, I love the spark that resides just in that paring. I love the excitement and the kisses the hand holding and the special ways you connect. I am a hopeless romantic I guess you would say. I love to leave notes, and make special meals, I love having a person in this world that is just yours. I love being someone’s person.
Yet, it has not been my good luck to have such a thing, not lasting at least. I have lost loves in death, divorce and just in breakups over and over again. I have been in loveless situations, and abusive situations more oft than I would prefer. Just hasn’t been my time. I guess that’s what I fear most, that my time will never come, that He does have plans for me but they don’t include a lasting partner. I suppose that would be alright – nuns do it right? The apostle Paul said it was better to be un-wed if you could, so you could devote your time to ministry and God. Maybe I want to much, I am too much, I know you think I’m awesome, but I can be needy, and over-bearing, smothering and just well, too much at times. I am strong willed and full of expectations, I can be moody and swing from one thing to another. I will admit I am not perfect. (Earth shattering, I know)
Growing up I had a strong sense of -God brings your mate, you pray for them and He provides. Having lost my first love in a tragic accident and praying hard from my teens and into my twenties to only find failures where I hoped for success, I have long given up that idea. Much like the idea I had if you work really hard good things come to you, also not true. Life isn’t fair, there is not karma, why if there was there would be a whole lot of people with the plague right now!!! My romantic heart would most definitely be fulfilled. That’s just not how it works, I mean, sure sometimes someone does good things and good things come in return and vise versa, but it’s not an exact science. Yet the other morning I had a unique experience, and perhaps in my pity party this is why this verse on my board got me crying. Driving down the mountain early in the morning the Lord imparted to my heart “are you ready to give up and let me take over?” Tears ran down my face, as I knew I had held the reins to “finding a man” tightly in my baby fist… Yes Lord I guess I am.
So in conclusion, if you are happily married or partnered up drop the clichés. As I learned from a priest friend of mine the first rule of therapy is never tell someone what they are feeling isn’t right. Just say “yeah that sucks.” Please stop invalidating what you haven’t walked through or felt and have no clue what it’s like. If you are like me and still looking for that elusive “Happy Ever After,” it happens when you’re not looking go love yourself…LOL NO!! Sorry I had to. I don’t know the answer, and none of these other people do either. There is certainly good had from being in love with yourself, making a full life, trying not to be a needy asshole as I coin myself at times, and if you can – let go and let God. I don’t really know if it will help, but I suppose it can’t hurt and it definitely frees up some time for salsa lessons!
Thanks be to GOD.
May the peace that passes all understanding dwell in my life and yours, may we be patient and know that He/She does have plans for us, even if we don’t see the blue prints. May we find that we are beautifully and wonderfully made with or without a mate. May we feel and know the enormous love of our creator. May we continue to understand that we are worthy, that we are enough just as we are. In the name of the one who counts the hairs upon our heads. Amen.
Episcopal Lotus Flower in Bloom 